Kissing The Bull

My client hesitated at the door before leaving. “So, this is feeling stuff is supposed to make me feel better?” she asked.

I put a hand on her shoulder and sighed. “Yes. It will.”

Image: CarleMuseum.org

The trials of meeting our inner monsters: I couldn’t bear to tell her that it would be like riding a rank bull and getting thrown a few times. Or staying on only to have your face meet the bull's head, termed "kissing the bull." I wanted to tell her it would hurt like Hell, but it would be worth it. Down the road her heart would expand, and she would feel more keenly connected to the whole human race. She would forgive more quickly, love more deeply and experience radiant joy. (Disclaimer: I don't know if this is true for bull riders.)

Counseling is an art with diverging theories and myriad techniques. (If only people knew!) And, good news, it works! (At least, most of the time). A lot of what goes on cannot be measured. The aspects that can be measured are occasionally not what make counseling effective, but numbers please the funders and universities.

A universal understanding in the field is that after developing a trusting bond, we ask a client to acknowledge and feel his/her feelings, which ultimately helps the client process them. By feeling and processing, emotions shift and release hold of us. But if someone is accustomed to thinking their way through life, they will be in for a rough ride initially. Often clients assume that in counseling we are going to spread out their life on a table, like puzzle pieces, hold our chins and analyze it. When they are asked to be vulnerable and stay with their heart, it is not easy. And, if I ask my clients to stay with their hearts, I have to do it too. I have to walk the ego’s fire, trusting that my spirit will overrule.

Part of the trouble is, in terms of feelings, we are a constipated culture. We’ll do almost anything to talk ourselves out of them. Here’s what I know about feelings: If you ignore them, they will show up at
midnight unannounced and stomp and horn you like a bull at the rodeo. Bull riders call it getting “freight trained” leaving you “a bad wreck.” As a result, you’ll send texts you’ll regret. You’ll eat most of a bag of Barbara’s Cheese Puffs while watching really old Seinfeld reruns, and then you’ll be up half the night crying because people you love will die some day. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.

Image: pcbrabulls.com

When I remember to check in, when I use my tools, and when I turn over what I can’t handle to a Higher Power, I ride the bull with grace. Something to keep in mind is that depression is not a feeling. It is a numbed out state laced with a sense of sadness that sucks one into immobility. Often to exit depression we are required to feel feelings more intensely. When the thought of returning to feeling is too threatening or overwhelming, there are somatic forms of therapy that do not require talking.

Some people become masters at shutting out feelings and stuffing them so far into recesses that the emotions will never come out of the dark. This is often the case with people who have experienced serious trauma that they may or may not remember. Whether or not that is the case, people who do not know how to acknowledge and process feelings frequently develop some sort of physical ailment or chronic pain: back pain, fibromyalgia, tendonitis, abdominal issues, and the medicines prescribed to counteract some of these disorders actually help to keep feelings locked out of sight. Either that or other supposed remedies, including surgery, act as a temporary placebo.

[For the record, explosions of anger are not appropriate. Anger can be felt and processed peacefully. There is no justification for yelling at or hitting another human being. People don’t “make” us angry or sad, we make choices about what we are perceiving and how we want to respond. Anger management is a wonderful thing.]

If we have some tools (and the bad news is: we can’t avoid the bull), we can stay on the bull, which is a heck of a lot better than being surprised and trampled. Eventually the bull gets tired and stops to eat grass, and then we can slide off unnoticed.

Image from BillMoyers.com

  Paraphrasing Pema Chodron, she said that when people are happy they expect the   feeling to go on forever and ever, and they become disappointed when it ends, but   when they are sad or angry they immediately want to escape from the feeling.        Everything passes and there are benefits to riding out the storm.

      In conclusion, the steps to a healthier way of being are:

1. Make sure you have support in place – such as a mental health professional.

2. Accept your feelings without judgment or analysis – invite them into your life.

3. Turn over what you can’t handle to a Higher Power, as often as you need to (our egos are stronger than we are).

4. Breathe.

5. Realize that while it’s important to feel, it’s equally important not to take your feelings out on others.

6. Communicate what you are going through with the people around you and ask for space if necessary.

7. Accept that it’s going to be uncomfortable for a while as you learn a new way of being.

8. Develop a meditation practice or a mindful way of perceiving to observe the extremes – both high and low.

9. Know that the spectrum of feelings is fluid. Emotions move through us and help us to feel more tender and connected to other people. We feel more alive.

10. Breathe. You’re going to run into some chute fighters, honkers and head throwers. Bear down (riding with maximum effort), trust in a Higher Power, and celebrate the mess and wonder that is life!