Collective Heartbreak - Is Happy Real?

photo by author

Clients occasionally arrive equipped for the journey – with appropriate gear for the long trek – aware that they are not going to get to the pinnacle or goal in a day. However, some sit on the couch with doe-eyes feeling as though they have been traveling on the rocky trail forever without an end in sight. They’ve run out of supplies. They may hope that I have a technique, a pill – something that will just make the pain go away.

In moments like those I wish I were a magician. A few weeks ago, I threw down my notebook and exclaimed: “Being a counselor sucks sometimes!” (I think my client and I were both a little surprised, but she knew I did it because I felt for her. I wanted more than anything to diminish her pain.) The only consolation I can offer clients is that things usually get better if they want it, stick with it and work at it. Change can be scary even when it is positive.

Some days a client might cover 10 miles on the trail and the next day it may start snowing and she may only travel a mile before setting up camp, but inevitably, she will arrive at her destination... or a destination. So we can’t always see the ground we’ve covered or how we’ve changed, but a year out or two we look back and feel like a different person.

People are occasionally suspicious of happiness, assuming that the happy person is faking it or just born

Embracing Conscience and Eschewing Nasty

Fritz Perls

   It’s surprising how many people do not distinguish an inner critic from
   their spirit voice or soul aspect. I remember asking a client to participate in
   Fritz Perls’ “empty chair exercise.” This is a Gestalt technique in which
   the client engages with an aspect of themselves, an emotion or another
   imagined person. The client takes turns to play both herself and the other
   aspect. In this case I asked my client to engage with her inner critic,
   playing the critic first. She sat up straight in the chair positioned across
   from the couch where she had been sitting and chided: “You are going
   nowhere! You’re a loser, and you’re wasting your time.” After the critic
   lambasted her for a while, I asked her to move back to the couch and
   respond to the nasty critic. I was floored when she said, “You’re right.”
   Before I could interject in her defense, she continued: “But I’m making a huge effort to makes strides and I’ve come a long way.” Engaging in this manner helps clients to hear just how hard it is to rise above an inner voice that is pulling the rug at every step. They begin to feel how they are walking around as their own worst enemies.

It’s pretty tough to hear the voice of the spirit or soul self with another part of the self firing condemning insults. How harshly we judge ourselves sometimes is in direct correlation to how egregiously we judge others. Referring to a friend of hers, a client said to me: “Come on. You have to admit anyone who treats a goat like a pet is ridiculous. It's a farm animal. It's meant to be milked, not pampered.” As I glanced at the goat hairs poking from my jacket hanging on the back of a chair, I purred: “Tell me about what that means to you.” Clients sometimes defend the inner critic, assuring me that without that voice they would get nothing done. They would become lazy, good for nothings. They would repeat their mistakes and never rise to their potential.

I’m not recommending giving up our consciences for Lent, becoming hussies and addicted to gambling.

Does Guilt have a Home?

photo credit: Blogos

Some say guilt is necessary, that it keeps us from doing things we shouldn’t do and makes us do things we should do.

Really? It's useless.  (Sorry guilt. I know I’m pissing you off here.) We have a conscience to serve that purpose. Conscience is like Obi Wan Kenobi, Gandalf or Glinda. Guilt is like a raging, alcoholic father who never got his needs met. With whom would you rather hang out or align yourself? The term “guilty conscience” is odd. If a conscience is what helps us determine the best choices for ourselves why would our conscience be guilty if we choose something that does not serve us or the greater good? We would have just made a mistake. We make amends, forgive and be forgiven.

I’ve heard many people talk about their relationship with guilt. Some say: “Guilt keeps me in line.” (Sounds like Mr. Sheen talking.) Or I’ve heard: “I went to counseling, and I learned I was just going to have to always live with a low level of guilt in relationship to my mother.” WHY? What part of us believes that guilt is good and essential?

It’s like when we’re born some of us are signed up for the guilt club and we don’t realize we can get out. And, if you choose to cancel the
membership, other tribe members will sneer and boo, but when you
get a good distance away you will begin to run and never look back.

photo credit: LegalSchnauzer

The inner critic (in some spiritual circles referred to as “the ego”) punishes and clings. And if you’re not holding on too, it condemns you for not caring, for thinking you are better than you are, for being “selfish.” The freer we are, the more generous and compassionate we become. The clearer we are, the better we use our valuable time. The more honest we are, the less feelings get hurt and the more people who cling learn to take responsibility for their behavior. Conscience means doing something we might not otherwise do because it serves the greater good. Guilt means doing something we might not otherwise do and then resenting it.

Part of the reason we experience guilt is because an inner judge is sitting in the seat where our self observer is supposed to sit. We make impulsive decisions and judge ourselves (instead of making a thoughtful choice to begin with). We choose to take a mental health day off from work, but a co-worker finds out and chastises us; instead of standing up for ourselves with esteem and the knowledge that we will work twice as hard upon return, we agree with the inner judge and beat ourselves up. We cower and destroy the joy of nourishing ourselves. It’s like there’s a whole Supreme Court in our heads. No wonder our culture is losing its heart.

I’m not sure when my justices moved out and took residence elsewhere, but I believe that my health is a direct result. My body, mind, soul and conscience are healthier (and happier) without guilt. Personal freedom is a gift, a choice and a step towards Heaven on Earth. I am blessed and my hope is to help others take action to free themselves from thoughts and people who bind so that they may discover and celebrate their unique voices.

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