You Be the Judge

"Sunset Orchid" by Alixandra Mullins

My favorite high school teacher, Mr. Tom Barton, once said: “You are prejudiced if you are prejudiced of prejudice.” I recall thinking: of course it’s not right to be prejudiced, and if we don’t have any sense of judgment we’d all be lost. Still, I trusted him, and so I never forgot much of what he taught me. Last week at a network meeting, as I judged a stranger for his judgment, I finally understood what the good Teach was talking about. As this man went on and on becoming more superior by the second I felt my ire rising. Had my filters been down I probably would have started hacking like my cat when he has a hairball caught in his throat or I may have poked myself in the eye repeatedly. But since neither were socially appropriate I did some self talk.

I felt behind what the other person was expressing. I took my perspective to the bigger picture. Fueling his judgment was the longing to connect, an illusion of separation from the other, and a deep sadness related to being misunderstood. These are universal feelings we all wrestle with at one time or another. As I stepped back my mind, my heart stepped forward and I relaxed. I was able to hear his frustration, and the judgment didn’t seem as important.

Even though the Buddha is often mistakenly credited with this quote, it actually appears in a
Sponsorship Guide for 12-step programs (1995): "...resentment is when you take the poison and wait for the other person to die." While resentment is bitter and judgment is critical, they both feel cold and hard. While our judicial system relies on polarity, much of life resides in the gray area. Lucky for us, often, we have a choice to select an alternative perspective in any encounter.

I don’t generally find myself in judgment of a critic because that’s not a trigger for me (I figure they're beating themselves up enough if they're beating the rest of us up), but I was glad to have the opportunity to make an adjustment. In every act of blame or judgment – whether we are behind the wheel in a car or the wheel of life – we have an opportunity to step back and take responsibility for being part of the problem.