Falling Off of the Pedestal: True Love Explored

The search for love is but the honest searching out of everything that interferes with love. 

A Course in Miracles (267)

Imagine eating several Almond Joy bars (substitute your favorite candy here) while riding a roller coaster in the snow. How different is “falling in love,” that giddy state where about all one can stomach is vanilla yogurt and the other person is pretty much flawless?

I have heard it said that falling in love is a form of insanity. The first time I was afflicted (and blessed) was in high school. The second time was in college, and I married him; I wouldn’t trade those 18 years for anything. The third time - almost 10 years ago - qualifies, admittedly, as insanity, because he was a lying scoundrel living a double life (I never even knew there was another woman let alone a MARRIAGE!). But never mind my perpetual naiveté and a propensity to ignore red flags (both an infinite source of fertilizer for my writing landscape). In retrospect, I understand that sometimes we’re magnetized to another in order to



learn to say “no.” And, I mean: “NOOOOOO!!”  Some of the healthiest things we do don’t sound appealing at first.

This is not to say I don’t believe in love… or eschewing the double negative: I do believe in love! But I benefit from an observer self looking over my shoulder. (And I’m not talking Big Brother here.) I mean a self developed through conscious choice and meditation that enables me to watch myself going through the motions with deeper awareness. Great highs are as suspicious as the lowest lows. Life is an illusion, other than the steady drumbeat in the heart of real love. Separation from anyone is illusion; Love persists long after the other has gone. Real Love never disappoints and no one gets a concussion falling off of a pedestal.

The practice of love is a choice – our daily bread (in my younger daughter’s case: gluten free!).  A Course in Miracles tells us that “special relationships” imply that we are lacking or incomplete – that someone outside of us can fulfill us, or that one person is more valuable than another. That’s not to say we could fall in love with or be best friends with just any ol’ random person off of the street. After all, there’s a reason why we are drawn to specific people. But, sometimes when we get close enough to another fear butts love out of the driver’s seat and we begin to cling to the other desperately – if not physically then energetically.

This relinquishing of power causes issues when a relationship fails or falters. We may feel the void again and turn to drugs, alcohol, white chocolate macadamia cookies or madly shopping for the perfect Frye boots.  I remember when my teacher, Helen, told me that someday I would feel the same kind of love radiating from within myself that I felt for Scumbag (name changed to preserve identity). Boy, I thought she was a real unromantic stick in the mud. But I knew she was farther along the path, so I bit my tongue and trudged forward Karate Kid style, pretending I wasn’t waiting for He Who Shall Be Scumbucket’s phone call.

Now that I am farther down the path (and I have totally forgiven You-Know-Who), I still feel the burn when a break up or ending occurs ("ARGH!" like a grizzly pirate), but my presence in love has changed. I don’t cling to it. I don’t define it. I feel it daily. Relationships may shift in their nature or commitment, but my understanding of love of the Other is constant. Others stir the feeling of love up in me; I feel it sourced within my core. That is not to say that I don't look forward to cherishing life with a partner, but it will be the icing on the cake. How did my understanding of love become more fluid? I wish I could tell you that there are steps to take to becoming fearless, which is an ongoing practice. Maybe it's all this work with hospice turning me into a brooding existentialist. Or maybe it comes down to my Mom’s favorite saying: “Bless Them. Change Me.” I continue to work on myself: meditating, hanging out with my observer self, taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions – and one day the floodgates to love open (Holy Cholula!) and I am engulfed. I am quenched. I feel it when I practice Reiki, when I wake up in the morning already in gratitude. I feel blessed. My children, parents, extended family, pets, partners and friends benefit.

I’m sure I’ll be riding the big coaster of love again, but this time I’ll know when to get off and I'll be able to discern just how many Almond Joys I eat.

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Some excellent quotes about love from one of my most treasured resources, A Course in Miracles:

Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it. (55)

You have so little faith in yourself because you are unwilling to accept the fact that perfect love is in you, and so you seek without for what you cannot find within. (293)

The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence, which is your natural inheritance. (Intro)

Let your self be one with something beyond it. (361)

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. They are performed by those who temporarily have more for those who temporarily have less. (1)